Where are you...?

Hi Billy, 

It's been a year since my boyfriend passed away and I would like to share my story to you. It was written by my best friend and dedicated it to me.

May he rest in peace...

 

He left her cold and forlorn.

He left her lost without direction.

He left her broken and spent.

He left her. He left her. He left her.

She stood there. 

Staring at his face when they undid the covers. 

He looked so wrong, so different.

Just a face emotionless and cold. 

"That wasn't him," she remembered. 

He was warm and full of joy, of laughter and of song...

Then the accident took him away... from her.

It took her soul when he died. 

She lost a part of herself, she lost her confidante and her will to live.

All she had left were photographs, moments and memories. 

Photographs that captured only the moment, not a lifetime.

Moments that could only say so much. 

And memories that would fade away along with time. 

None of it could replace him, his laughter, his person. 

If she could do it all again, she would.

She would stare into the distant sky, remembering, recalling. 

Yet all of it seemed so distant, like it was a lifetime ago.

There, yet not there. 

She could still see him at times, pulling faces he was well-known for. 

She could hear his voice, scolding her as was his way to show her how much he cared. 

She could still feel the last hug he gave her. 

So brief yet meant so, so much.

Through all the pain, the tears, she knew that she must move on. 

He wouldn't want to see her this way. 

He would want to hear her laughter, touch her smile, feel her joy. 

But not yet. Not yet. 

The loss was still too new, too raw. 

She would move on. Someday... somehow. But not yet.. Not today..

Better Off Without Love

I was 14 then, being 17 right now does not make a difference to me.

I used to go around liking guys. Okay, to make myself sounds less slutty, I eyecandied them, just admire from a distance and no more. Not even talking. I'm sure that's pretty normal. However it stopped when I was sec 2. We met when both schools have to collaborate for an event. I didn't like him [B] at first sight, it was when I get to know him then I liked him. It was scary, for someone from all girls school to feel so strongly for him. However, I kept getting mixed signal from him. He kept accidentally touching my hand, lots of time. However he dared not look at me. I shall assume he's shy... And I still do.. Until the day he asked for my number via Facebook. Imagine how happy I was. Happy was an understatement then. I gladly give him. I even texted him. However, I received an adverse outcome. He sounded cold, and obviously... He didn't reply, so did I. I waited, but no. Still nothing. It was then I made a decision, which i'm not sure if I'll regret it - I did not tell him my new number. 

I got myself in relationships with girls. There's this girl. I can say... I really loved her a lot.. I know it's gross to some people, but I did loved her. Until recently, I'm losing interest. But I'm hanging on to our relationship. She feels the change too, causing lots of row among us. It makes me wonder, can I even love anyone.. Sure.. I even kissed my girl, not once but many. And it was more than a normal kiss. I kept telling myself, no, we're not going to work, but I just kept silent. Our relationship was a secret. No one knows. 

Last year, I followed B's twitter, I replied one of his tweet. We're talking like normal friends, it gave me hope. But he stopped. I know I have to stop, I need to get over him, but I just can't. I kept stalking his Facebook, makes me wonder, why do I not deserve a chance. why gave me mixed signal? I have rejected guys that confessed, I am scared of getting into a relationship with guys. I hate myself for this. I don't feel normal. I don't even love anyone. Or is it I'm getting desperate?  I just don't get it. How does love works? How do 2 people get together? I'm convinced that I'm going to be forever alone and, I am not going to love and be loved. I guess I no need it and I'm better off without it.

There's This Girl...

Hi Billy, there's this girl I met in school. I did not pay much attention to her in the first few days because I was not very interested in her.

But as times goes by, we started getting close. Real close. We've been meeting every single day, in school, or after. We had common topics, we had common goals, we had common dreams. I really liked her.

We started off dating, but there's just one thing I am unsure of.. Does she really like me as much as I do? You know, humans are always sensitive and they need to be secure by that very special someone.
Recently, I felt things were going quite well. I started planning on how to woo her, asking her to be my official girlfriend and maybe have a wonderful relationship ahead of us.

But....

Even though we had a lot in common, there is just some things I couldn't give her. The security, the happiness or even... the love she need. I always tell myself. "Don't get too attached to her. Be in love, don't fall in love." But do we really have control over this stuffs? Gradually, I found myself to be some sort of 'fell in love' with her personality, and.. Her.

Times and times, I always blame myself for not being good enough for her because she really deserve so much better. SO MUCH BETTER than me, a normal guy who have nothing much to give. I am not rich, therefore I always felt insecure about myself not giving her a good life after being in a relationship with her.

Billy, should I continue wooing her, or should we just remain as friends, classmates. Because it is really haunting me. It hurts me to see her everyday and not being able to tell her how much I hate myself for not being able to be better for her.

If you're reading this, I just want to let you know that I really like you. And I hope you feel the same way too..

But I'm Glad..

This story has been edited to protect by identity.

I have this girlfriend, her name is R. We had been together for more than two years and we had premarital/underage sex before. After doing that, she changed into a crazy person and she began throwing tantrums at me for no reason.

she changed into a different person who wasn't the girl I loved in the past. she smoked, she slit herself for no reason to show me when we quarrelled. I knew she wasn't the one for me when one day she disrupted me having lesson by calling me non-stop just because she was in a bad mood. I was having major exams that year and I needed to concentrate. She did not even care about her future and skipped lessons just to spite me.

I wanted the best for her and she did many things to make me chill her down and make her happy. I had to take a step back so that I won't lashed by her. She hurt herself and me quite a lot and I couldn't take it anymore..

One day, I realized I needed to end it once and for all, so I told her I wanted to be just FRIENDS with her. She said that her virginity was mine and that we can't just be friends like that. She threatened to commit suicide, or report to the police that I raped her. she knew that all these threatening words will make me give in and I did.

I didn't know how to get to the upper hand. She always had her way. Because of this, I don't know how to love anymore. But... I'm glad that she's gone with another guy..

Letting Them Have Their Own Happiness.

Hi Billy, 
One year ago, I have a crush who called DH, he is not my classmate but a new student too in my school.  At mandarin course in school, I saw him and I don't know why I kept looking at him. 2 days later, I go to the library and about to leave the library, but I saw him at the door, so I went back to my seat. There are so many chairs there but suddenly he asked me "No one sit here, right? Is it okay if I sit here?" I nodded quickly. 

And the bell rang, so we must leave the library, he asked me about where I came from and I told him. A few days later, he added my bbm contact. But, our mandarin class separated into two class and we were separated. So every time when I am having my mandarin class, I go to toilet and look at him before I back to my class. One day after our mandarin class, I saw him at my school corridor. He was holding his phone on his ear, but he is talking to me. He said today his father will come late so we wait together at the school gate. A plane flied above us and he said " I will take you home with that plane now" I'm just laughing at that time. Then a truck with 3 beds passed in front of us. I said "then I will take you home with that. I will make you feel comfortable with laying on that beds on your journey" then we got closer since that time. Sometimes, we will meet at the library coincidentally. We start to chat but not every day. He is my first-sight love so I hope this is not a hurting love story for me. But something changed. We stopped chatting and a gossip spread, many people said that he is in special relationship with a girl. And the most shocking thing is I know that girl. She is his classmate, and she is my friend's friend. I saw them in the library too. A place that become special for me because there's a place with lots of memories with him. On my birthday, I just wish for one simple thing, I wish he remember my birth date and say happy birthday to me. And when I go to library, he left a piece of paper on my table. 3 words. "H.B.D". And I am really happy. But my sadness continues, that girl sit besides me while exam and he comes to her seat everyday. On valentine day, I make chocolate and I encourage myself to give it to him. At least I won't regret. Not longer after that day, I heard they've been a couple. On the next exam, I even saw they holding hands. Since that day, I told myself to move on. I try hard while everyday I saw them at the library, exam room, even at a plaza. 10 months and finally I can. Now I realize, love isn't always mean you must together with that person, sometimes it means you must let them have their own happiness, even when it can be earned without you in their life. :)

Billy, how are you there? :) Thank you for your attention :) I wish you to have a good love story in your life. Not a hurting love story like mine.

Nothing Will Ever Remain The Same

Okay, that's my lil informal intro. but here's my story, my long story:
i had a boyfriend whom i met through friendster back in 2007. let's call him B. so B was my first bf. we were together for 4years. he was also my senior in secondary school.. we were very happy together. we never quarreled at first. everyone envied us because we were going so strong and all. but then he started to change. there were times when he talked to other girls and i found out.. but i will forgive him because he would explain how they are just friends and also, those chats were harmless.

he also was very into those online games like maple, audition.. dota.. and i never once played all these and i couldn't understand his addiction. he had time for games but not much time for me. even when i'm at his place, he would rather play his stupid games than to accompany me. so i got bored and i started to talk to this guy friend of mine. yes i know, it was my fault too. but i was young and to me, talking to my friend wasn't cheating. i used to have a crush on my friend. let's call him K. K is very handsome and tall and smart and charismatic. but he didn't like me the way i liked him so we didn't get together. maybe i wasn't good enough for him. he's too perfect. and although i loved B, K was like my idol or something. i fangirl over him. so i talked to K a lot towards the end of 2009 and the start of 2010.

but then, one day, B found out about K and i. but.. i don't love K. i just talk to him. i mean, come on. B neglected me. and i was bored. so i chat with K. but that's not what B thought. he got so mad and upset. and it was the first time i saw him cry.. and that day when he found out, it was one day before my birthday. the next day, he even acted fine and went to celebrate my birthday with our friends. we almost broke up. but we didn't. because he couldn't bear to let me go. i couldn't bear to leave him either. and on that day when B found out about K, i was supposed to meet K to get my birthday present from him. i didn't even go. i stopped contacting K cause i didn't wanna lose B.

things between B and I got better but then it started going downhill by the end of 2010. everything was weird. B started telling me things like, we should take a break. one day, he even asked me if he could have a break with me.. so that he can go find another girl and see if he could fall in love with another person. it just got more and more ridiculous. he started to become damn possessive. and he started to mistrust me. he always thought that i was lying to him. i thought that i was to be blamed and was the reason why he end up this way. i thought it was all because of K that made B this way. but it wasn't really.

and then came 2011 when it was time for him to go for his NS. i told him i would wait for him. the bmt period.. he got from sweet loving bf to someone i don't even know! he started to be damn cold towards me. i don't even know why! when it was time for his POP, i went for it. and then we even celebrated my birthday together during his one week break. but then i could feel the distance. and every time i think of it, i told myself it was all my fault. i ruined my relationship with B because of K. i never blamed B for his change. our relationship was at it last stage. i can see it going down, sinking. i tried so hard to save it. but i didn't even know the real reason why it sank.

one fateful day, i went to look for B. we were texting before that.. and he told me he was going to take an afternoon nap. i was out studying with my friend so i thought, hmmm.. why not surprise him by stopping by at his place? i mean it's not like he books out all the time.. and it's not like i get to see him often due to army. so i went to his house, happily thinking how awesome it would be to finally see him again.

little did i know what the fuck was in stored for me. :(

when i arrived, his siblings were shocked to see me, which was unusual. i ignored them and went straight to his room. door locked. so i took out the key to open it. but he locked it from inside and refused to let me in! he shouted at me and asked me why i was there in his house, UNINVITED. i was so shocked and i scared because i angered him. again, i thought it was my fault he got angry. i don't want to drag this story with too much details.. but long story short, he was angry because HE WAS SCARED. scared of what? because i finally found out. he was cheating on me. all these while he got so possessive was because he had another girl and thought that i was doing the same. all these while he wanted to take a break was because he had another girl… and wanted to see if he could love her as much as he loved me. all these while he lost his temper because… he didn't love me anymore. the girl was in the room. and me, outside. unwanted, abandoned. after being his girlfriend for 4years. and that was what he gave me. and i was so dumb because there were so many signs. she gave him a wallet for xmas. i accidentally found her blog and saw them going out together alone. i know the girl he was cheating with. she's his "bestfriend". i never suspected that they would cheat on me but u can never predict anything right.

what a surprise.

that night he shouted at me and we quarreled so bad. i told him i would wait for him to finish NS, why didn't he wait for me? we broke up on that night. he even started to refer her to me as his girlfriend. and throughout the quarrel and all, he protected her when he should have been protecting me! my heart was so broken. we broke up a week after our 4th year anniversary. i always thought i was to blame for talking to K and all.. but i didn't cheat on him. if this was his revenge, isn't it a lil too much?

i thought i would be forever alone. i loved him so much. throughout the one year plus after the break up, i still went back to talk to him because i just couldn't let go and i missed him so much. but he was always mean to me. i don't know what gave him the right to be mean to me. he asked me if it's because i couldn't find any new guys that's why i am always going back to talk to him. or he will ask me if i were clean or not(whether have i had sex with other guys) cause he doesn't want to be associated with a slut. he even told me things like he loves her a lot and is planning to marry her. i was really very sad. i don't know why i always go back to him to let him hurt me again with his words. i am not sure why i can't forget such a jerk. and i thought that all guys are mean and are all jerks. i thought that i would be foreveralone because he told me: no one will find you cute like i did.

but it's not true. cause i am happily attached right now with a boyfriend who treats me very well and of course he thinks that i am cute. and karma hit B so hard. he broke up with the girl he cheated on me with. HAHA! and he's single and lonely and obviously desperate. i never thought that we would end this way because i really loved him. but i guess it was for the better. i wouldn't have met my new bf if not for what he had done to me. i look back and regret the four years i've wasted. time invested and lost. but i guess i learned it all the hard way. i never thought i'd get cheated on, and i thought this only happen on tv. i guess not.

it's a sad story with a happy ending. teaching me and girls or everyone out there.. if your partner has a change of heart, it's time to let go. nothing, NOTHING will ever be the same again. K and i are still friends. told you we were just friends. B and i… we are no longer talking. anyway, don't ever cheat on your partner. if you don't love anymore.. just end it all. don't hurt both parties because it's the WORST. and it's not the end after a bad break up. that's just mean your ex isn't the one for you. and i was so sure there won't be someone out there for me. but i was wrong. the wait may be torturous but when the right one comes along, you will find it all worthwhile.

and to my ex, FUCK YOU.

sorry for the use of profanities. sorry for longwinded story. it's not even the full story :( hahaha. thanks for taking time out to read.
<3, me

Hold On And Never Let Go

Just two years ago, I met the love of my life. Maybe we were 15 at that point of time, maybe we didn't know what love was all about. But I still loved her with all my heart.


Here's the story.


She was a girl in my class; one of those quiet girls who didn't seem to want any attention, but nevertheless she caught mine. I have to admit, I was the kind of high-profiled guys in school, always coming up with all the stupid jokes and stupid pranks being played in the canteen. Wherever trouble brewed... I'll be there. Anyway, enough of me..


Like all great love stories, I didn't have feelings for her in the beginning. It was not until months into adapting into this new class that I start having feelings for her. I started talking to her via text message and got to know about her more, and to cut a long story short, eventually we got together.


However, a week after we got together, her father passed away. I used to blame myself for her father's passing, because on that very day, she was supposed to get back home early, due to her father complaining that he was sick and all, and no one was home. Being the kind of person who never really enjoyed any family time, I asked her to accompany me for lunch before heading home, and she agreed. Who would have known later that day, a series of unfortunate events would occur.


I blamed myself for her father's passing because maybe if she went home earlier that day, she could have called the ambulance or something. Her father's heart suddenly stopped beating, and she could have saved him if I wasn't that selfish enough to ask for her time.


Nevertheless, she did not blame me. This heavy feeling of guilt still afflicts me till this very day.


Anyway this is a really long story so I hope you bear with me!!


And so due to the many bad disciplinary records I had at school, and due to my lousy results, I found out that I was to be retained at secondary 3. The school gave me a choice to retain at secondary 3 or to drop to secondary 4 normal academic stream, and guess what I chose? I left the school, went to take private O's because I wanted to get into the same course in polytechnic with her, or at least to a same polytechnic.


It wasn't easy, our O level year was filled with so much quarrels because she had to focus on her studies, and I did not learn from the mistake that I had made in the previous year. I continued playing and being complacent about my studies, only panicking in the last spurt towards our O's.


We had so many quarrels, and it was usually about the same thing. We were both sensitive about the relationship and we would get jealous very easily. I guess that was the only thing we had in common. I loved her a lot and despite the fact that her mother disapproved in the first place, grew to accept me for the way I was.
After our O's, things became a little bit better, even though we still quarreled every now and then, but it was nothing major.


It was only until the start of our polytechnic education that things started breaking apart so badly. And like you would expect it to be, we both ended up in different
polytechnics, with me studying business while she studied media.


Things started becoming sour because I found out that a guy in her school liked her and I could tell you how much it killed me but it would just fill up another story. I never liked sharing; if you're mine, you're only mine. Then we quarreled (as usual) and just recently, I made the most dumbest decision in my life; I've decided to withdraw from the course I'm currently in, to transfer to another course in her school. However, happy endings aren't going to happen in life.


After withdrawing from school, then I've checked that I could no longer use my O level results to switch courses because I've been into a polytechnic before. Even after retaking my O's (I had a C6 subject), I found out that even if I've made the jump of 5 grades, I still could not use my O levels to get into the course that I want. I had to
use my current GPA and I felt as though all hope was lost as my GPA sucked.


I just wanted to be in the same school with her. Shouldn't education be available to everyone who has a passion to study?


It made me feel frustrated with myself. I felt useless in whatever I did.


I guess I should really stop here because I'm getting a little bit too personal. But this is my story, and throughout everything, I knew this wasn't going to be a smooth sailing journey, but nevertheless, I just want to tell her that as long as she's holding on, I'm never leaving.


As a #Capricorn, whatever goals I set my eyes on, I'm never going to fail.