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Tuesday, 23 June 2015

A Killer

Do you know what a killer is? A killer is the one that kills, the cause of death. I am a killer. There are many things in life I wonder about that I never gather the courage to say. One of which is the girl who stood at ground floor, arms and heart open and waiting to catch you, before taking that one step back at the last second. In many ways, we were alike. She let you fall. She's a killer too. There are many parts to your death and the girl and I had our own parts to play. Like a mystery in a novel, we were the antagonists. We let you fall. We fed you hope and meaning. Then, at the last second, we let you leave our grasps where you were holding on tightly. We poured oil, we made it slippery, we made it hard for you to depend on us anymore, and you slipped through our fingertips. You fell right through. And we watched. Where our names are written all over this tragedy, in your blood, red with truth and laced with guilt, we face the reality of our mistakes on every 26th. Where you chose us, and we walked away, the guilt haunts and follows. Do you know? We see you everywhere. Everyday, we are surrounded by people who talk like you, act like you and, more importantly, feel like you. As if reminding us of the role we played two years ago, as if nothing in us changed, we can do nothing for these new Yous. It feels like a million more chances are showered upon us, but none could really be taken and made a difference of. We make the same mistakes again and again, taking those doubtful steps back and letting people slip through our fingers. And all the while, the same face flashes through our minds as we reflect over and over on the things we could have done to keep you around. Perhaps, they were things you wanted us to do. Just anything, except walking away. Your death was a big thing, just so you know. Just the way you'd like it. We could never really understand what broke in you, what made you pull that last string. I could never understand what you thought of as you picked your deathbed, as you picked your spot, as you wrote me your goodbye. What exactly went through your mind? But, because of that, do you know the scariest question that I've asked myself to date? "Was a goodbye really what you wanted?" Because there's a reason I call myself a killer. Just think of the possible answers to the question. Just take this moment to realise how much of a heartless murderer I resemble right now

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

It's Always You.




Came across this article and decided to share it with you.

"I am writing this because I need to get this off my chest. I met you four years ago after getting out of a relationship that at the time meant a lot to me. I consider you a godsend and you saved me in so many ways. We saved each other and only he would ever truly understand that. 

We dated for awhile but at the time I couldn't give myself to you the way I wish I would have now because I thought I loved someone else. You told me things that you told no one else about your dad, we had a really special relationship and although it wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, it was good. 

You made me feel loved like I have never loved before you looked at me in a way that you made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You really were my prince charming you treated me with respect and like a girl always dreams of. I'm not really sure what happened, you said you lost feelings for me and broke it off all I know was there was a lot of drama caused from other people. 

I not only love you but I love your family and I love being with them as much as I love you. You still to this day won't meet up and talk to me I'm not sure why. I wish I knew why. I can message you, but you won't respond, but if we bump into each other you talk to me and give me a hug. 

Today I am married to someone else who I am not in love with who I just love. Someone who will always be second best to you. I dream about you a few times a week and I always still think about you and want you. I will always want you know matter what. No one will ever make me feel like you do and I would do anything to be with you. I know this is bad but I would even leave my husband for you and that is terrible that I am saying this. 

I have really tried to get over you, but after four years you still have this spell over me. You have shown me things I have never thought I would see and feel and when I'm with you, I am better. You make me a better person. When I am with you, I am the person I wanna be. You supported me and pushed me to go after my dreams and you take all my pain away and give me this happiness like no one else. When I am with you I love myself and am happy with myself and you always loved me for me. I don't know if you knowing this would ever change anything, but I really do I have a connection with you like no one else and feelings for you that will probably never go away. 

I wish I could have been the girl I want to be now for you maybe I'd still have you. I wish you knew the type of girl I am capable of being. I was just young and stupid and didn't realize what we had because of my first young dumb stupid love that I wanted over at the time. I guess you will always be the one that got away."

Monday, 25 May 2015

Funeral





For as long as I can recall, death has never really bothered me. It always occurred to me as just the end stage of someone's life and just 'Part and Parcel of life'.
I attended my colleague's dad's funeral yesterday and this was the first official funeral that I went to and it changed my scope on life completely. Everything about yesterday was gloomy and depressing, but it wasn't a normal kind of depressing. This depressing was completely different, a feeling I couldn't describe.

The atmosphere directly affected me even though I can still see fake smiles and laughs over the puffy eyes from the immediate family. I tried to retain my tears as I constantly told myself that "I would not cry." I was doing a great job until I glanced over the coffin and saw him. We are not that close but him as a taxi driver, would always give me a lift home. For about 5 months now, I never fail to see his face every time I knock off from work. I couldn't hold it back and I just walked away to have a smoke.

At that moment, I took a step in their shoes. I imagined that I lost somebody so close to me and it was overbearing. And from their eyes when they glanced over the coffin, they realised that this was the last time they would ever see him again.

After the funeral, I took a long bus ride home. My perspective on life shifted completely. I realised that I took not only my life for granted, but also the lives of those important to me. Death was not just an end stage of a person, it goes beyond the boundaries of one's life. It affects and haunts all those who are both directly and indirectly associated with the person. And although I dislike attending funerals because you know, pantang, I am actually proud to say that this helped me "grow up" and understand the significance of life.

And to my colleagues, Shirlene, Xavier, Javin and their mother, Angie,
I am sorry for your loss and I wish I had something wonderful to say to make you guys feel better. Life will be tougher, but it will definitely make you guys stronger. Stay strong, we are all here for you.














Saturday, 23 May 2015

Can't Let Go






Hey Billy Berry, I came across this story and it really relates to me. I really hope you can share this. Thank you.

"I just can't let go, because today I still need you, I still miss you. And I wonder how I can still miss you, it´s been 3 months since the last time I saw you, 6 weeks since the last time we talked in FB, 2 weeks since the last time I heard your voice and 10 days since the last time I saw you passing through. I guess there´s the answer, in all this time I just haven’t stopped myself from thinking about you, but the thing is that I don't want to. I don’t want to leave you back, I don’t want to keep our story in the past, between all the other memories I don't mean to treasure. With you everything was different, it was all beautiful. And even though these months I've only suffered with your absence I would not have done anything different, every moment spent with you was worth it. You words is the thing I miss the most, how you talked to me, and you always let me know how much you loved me, I even remember that time we started fighting over who love who more, and I asked you, why did you think you loved me more, and you just answered "cause you love him too"… wow, you left me speechless, I didn’t knew what to say in that moment, really.

We did it all wrong, I loved you when I loved someone else too and you loved me when you weren't supposed to. And still I don’t regret a thing, every moment spent with you was worth it, worth the suffering I've been through this past months. Though there is one thing I still don't get, why did you leave? Because I KNOW you did love me, I know those kisses, those hugs, were real. The way you looked at me, I know you don’t look at anyone else the same way, with those beautiful eyes, telling me that you cared for me. I know that you wouldn't have given to anyone your heart, and you gave it to me, without doubting it.

And even though I know all those things, there are times I still question them, because you left, taking my heart with you. You left without caring how I felt, and thinking how just saying “Stop loving me, I´m not the guy for you” would solve everything. Today, it still hasn’t solved anything.

Every day I think of you, I go back to those days I saw love in your eyes, now I just see a stranger. A stranger I don’t want to get to know. I want to say goodbye, I want to stop thinking about you.

And the worst part is that even though I want to leave you behind, I still have some hopes, that one day we will meet again, and this time, we will have our love story."



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Submit your stories to me at Blackalogy@consultant.com

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Friends




Hey billy.. I saw your tweet about writing in to you about anything and I wanted to give it a go..

You know those friends you had when you were in high school? Those friends that will go through everything with you. Be it skipping lessons, going to the toilet together, eating together, getting caned together or studying together? Yeah, those bunch of friends...

We spent 4 or maybe 5 years in the same school. Looking at each other for 6 to 7 hours per day for a week. And how many hours is that in 5 years? I don't know, but hell lot! We did talked about this, about what is going to happen after graduation. What will our lives be? Will we still be in contact? Will we still be able to go out for frequent meet ups? Yes, that lasted for quite some time, until everyone had to serve the nation for 2 years and some had a career to pursue. They met new bunch of friends and including me, I knew some of the greatest people I never thought I would met. But there is always a special place in my heart just for that bunch of friends. They are so important to me. If they were to call me in the middle of the night for a companion, I would be there.

I'm writing this to you because I felt really sad. Nothing major. Just something bugging me for these few months. I tried to meet up with them, but no one was free. I fully understand that they might or are busy with their own life. Sometimes it's just.... you know.. weird. They are the closest thing to family for me and after spending 5 years in the same high school, that connection is just there. I see them more than I see my own family. What will happen to the friendship we all once had? Will we be meeting each other coincidentally on the streets and just exchange few conversations then leaving afterwards? Or we will just not contact each other anymore and live our own life? I really do not know. Sorry for the bad English.
Help me, billy.

-H

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Hi, H!

You have a very similar problems compared to mine. I have a group of friends who also spent their 5 years together with me in the same secondary school. I graduated from Secondary school for a couple of years now, and I have to admit, we seldom meet anymore or even exchange text messages. But hey, we can always all meet up again after awhile right? I came to understand that each and everyone have their busy schedule to keep up with and if I were to put myself in their shoes, yeah it's crazily busy. Considering they have NS or work, you can't really expect them to be there for you 24/7. Plan a day, meet up for coffee and TALK. I miss my group of friends too. And if things don't go the way we want to, one day it will. All the best, H.

Friday, 24 April 2015

Love and Hate..

HI WHATS UP BILLY!!!!!!
IT'S A LONG LONG TIME SINCE THE LAST TIME I SENT U MY EMAIL. HEHEHE FEEL SO EXCITED.
 
Well, you know that feeling when someone you love treat you like this so they can step on you whenever they want?
I feel so worthless. I can't describe how hurt it is to be his girlfriend. I am the one who stay, who fight for my relationship. Even when he pushed me away, I went back to him and I was begging for his love for a hundred times. I just wasted my year for a jerk like him and actually I feel so sorry to myself about it.

Have u ever feel like you're tired and you know there's no reason to hold on something that can't make you happy and you know exactly know what to do, you know what's the best for you but you just can't let go. You just can't let go even when you don't want it anymore. All of the bullshit he made and you still cant let go when you actually want to.

People told me that I got no brain. I just can't let go no matter how bad the situation is. I almost made it. I almost gave up but I always find myself going back to him. Even though we broke up a month ago, we still acted like a couple. I felt so comfortable with it. We were trying things out and hoping both of us can be better for each other. But no, everything just got worst and worst. I hate him. I hate him so much. Yet I love him. He hurt me too much and inside me, there's a part of me that will always forgive the things he had done for me. I can't understand the feelings I have inside me.
 
 
Tell me, what should I do?

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Heart Like Yours






Heart like yours

I would love to write about you, about us. But it seems like there is almost nothing to us or it is what it seems that there would always be something as long as one person writes about it. There is no label to us, no definition, no love even. for a heart like yours that would never settle, constantly fluttering with eyes for everyone, i can't love. with no security, no reassurance and no direction. how can a heart like yours love a heart like mine? there is no clarity, no resurrection. my head and my heart is in a mess when its you. it was always known i felt something more but not when it comes to you. you picked me up when i fell down. you were there through all my highs and lows. you know me more than any could ever since she left.

i opened to you and i don't just always do to anyone. it is hard. it seems like you love prying open hearts and knowing souls then you grow bored and just throw them aside all the time. but this ought to come an end. the past few months were good while it lasted. we were the greatest friends who grew too comfortable in each other's presence and knowing each other too much that it feels like we knew each other for a really long time. but just like every passing best friendship i had, this has to end too. not that we would want it to end, but with time and distance, it fades away. it gets bland just like what happened with her and i will let it go too. i will let you go.

The touching, wanting to hold hands and kisses, will be something that i may never figure out but just my own self-concluded meanings. maybe you just wanted to try things out with me because you haven't done them for a long time. you wanted to do them with no meaning, no love, like its just some empty, meaningless touch. before i go because you think it wouldn't hurt, it wouldn't mean. we may never meet again anyway. you probably just wanted to cuddle and fuck. but that is not going to happen anyway. not with no love because that is a slut.

Maybe we just gotta keep each other with no clingyness. Like maybe one day, you will say you're coming over. All of you. or maybe we will go somewhere else in the world. without all the misunderstandings and misconceptions we had before. or maybe we won't. we will all just slowly fade away and away and away. to the point that we may never meet again till many years down the road, when we are all grown and we meet coincidentally along the streets, on the road, somewhere we never thought we would.

Maybe i am stuck in a misconception. i have never loved and felt loved. Love is something i can't quite comprehend but all i know as of now is pain and bliss in songs and movies and books. i can't deny for a long while, i was a grey soul, empty, lonely. then you came along. all of them came along. and my life was filled with colors. it was an explosion. i was happy, i was smiling, i was laughing, i was crazy hyper enthu. i loved who i was. but that was because of people. people are my chain reaction. my antidote to being happy. i was always happy around you. you make me happy. very happy. the days with you in it were the best and maybe that's why i think i like you. you picked me up, you understood, you knew. i was high. but that was that and this is now. and i got to let it all go.

You left me with no words, no letters, no reassurance. But I will never forget how you cried the most when you read the letter and when I left.

It was good while it lasted.

but that is all that there is ever going to be.


x
A